CZECHS OVER STRIPES

In this case, its the morning after the morning after. While the triad took care of business this weekend in their respective matchups, I put together a week 1 that would put me firmly in the first polling position for the Heisman and as such, a lot of recovery was needed. I wouldn’t expect for this column to be recurring so let’s just enjoy the time we have together now.

Notre Dame:

Someone wise was telling me that defense travels and that would be the reason why the Irish would pull of the W in College Station. Oh wait, that was me who was telling anyone who would listen. Notre Dame’s defensive front was impenetrable and the secondary came up with two huge interceptions. The entire defense however made this game a living nightmare for Connor Weigman which resulted in 13 points for A&M. I think Notre Dame is seeing the benefit of having a gamer at QB. Riley Leonard, having not practiced in the spring, made the plays necessary to get the win. When there is a new OC, new QB, RB’s and OL there will undoubtedly be growing pains but Riley Leonard show he has the ability to just make the plays the team needs to win. Phenomenal showing for the Irish. Next up: Northern Illinois

Penn State:

Drew Allar? Drew Allar! Despite only having seventeen passing attempts Drew Allar made consistent vertical throws previously unseen as the relationship between him and his new OC Andy Kotelnicki got out to a wholesome and promising start. Really it’s a simple formula at least early, do what you have to in order to marry the output of Singleton and Allen and let Allar get more comfortable in the offense. The defense had a hold on the mountaineers rushing attack limiting Donaldson, White and the rest of the wvu rushing attack to under a hundred yards. Next up: Bowling Green

Pitt:

After a shocking 3-9 season in 23 and a fair amount of coaching and player turnover there was apprehension coming into the matchup against Kent State. Redshirt Freshman Eli Holstein dazzled for 335 as the panthers did indeed play fast and score faster. Despite losing Rodney Hammond to an unknown eligibility issue on Friday, Western Carolina transfer Desmond Reid taking a punt back in the first quarter and showing his shiftiness and breakout speed throughout the game. The defense was back to its aggressive ways generating 5 sacks and coming up with one pick. It was 6th year man Brandon George leading a young linebacker group that was swarming to the ball all game that impressed defensively. Truthfully, as one shouldn’t complain about a 31 point victory, there were plenty of things to clean up as penalties and mental errors were prevalent throughout the game but it is reassuring to know that it seems there is still a ton of room to grow. Next up: Cincinnati

Outside of the triad:

Southern Cal battled against 13th ranked LSU as both Miller Moss and Garret Nussmeier made their anticipated debuts. This is game where I am holding out judgement until I see more from both teams before I make any takes on this outcome. Preseason media sweetheart Virginia Tech lost in OT to Clark Lea’s Vanderbilt Commodores. Again its too early to tell but I think everyone was expecting more out of a hokie defense that was supposed to take the next step. However the other side of the coin is Clark Lea might have something going at his alma mater. Dabo’s stubbornness might be his undoing as Clemson got handled by Georgia. The tiger’s defense did all it could but it doesn’t seem like QB Cade Clubnick has progressed much at all. Oregon struggled with Idaho coming out as victors in a 24-14 game. I am going to walk back my Big Ten prediction a bit as I think it is going to take a while for Dillon Gabriel and the ducks offense to click. Auburn and Ole Miss both won by >=70 (enjoyable). Kalen DeBoer enjoyed his first game as the Alabama Head Coach as they beat Western Kentucky 63-0. Robert Morris defensive back Rob (lol) Carter Jr has the lead for interception of the year against Utah State. There are two young quarterbacks Dylan Raiola (Nebraska) and Nico Iamaleava (Tennessee) whose names will quickly become household after the performances they had on Saturday. All in all it was a fantastic start to the 2024 College Football season.

So I can touch on the triad of teams that follow this site, I am going to speed run a Pitt Preview. It will be biased and overly optimistic. It’s an insight to why people don’t listen to me. Without further ado, your 2024 Pitt Panthers.

Offense: The motto of new OC Kade Bell is play faster and score faster. After a disastrous campaign ran by a WVU infiltrator in Frank Cignetti, the offense needs to be improved in order for Pitt to rebound from a 3-9 campaign. As of a week before the season starts, Pat Narduzzi has refused to name a QB. My money is on Alabama transfer Eli Holstein to be the number one guy but equally likely is longtime Panther Nate Yarnell. Featuring a tandem of backs in Rodney Hammond, who looks to finally have the year that he as well as Pitt fans have been yearning for since his electric freshman year, will be complemented by the much smaller but experienced back in Desmond Reid (transfer in from Kade Bell’s former program WCU). Wide Receiver One will be Senior Konata Mumpfield with Daejon Reynolds and highly anticipated sophomore Kenny Johnson. Poppi Williams is another small but useful tool that comes from WCU. Gavin Bartholomew will finally receive the targets he deserves as this system utilizes tight ends a lot more than the previous system. The offensive line will be up in the air with a mix of experience and young talent that have finally hit their stride coming out of camp. Hopefully the up tempo nature of the offense will be able to hide some of the holes in this unrefined offensive line.

Defense:

From 2019-2022 the Pitt Panthers had consistently finished in the top ten of defenses in sacks. 2023 was a regression to just barely in the top 50. Longtime contributors on the line have left and it leaves an unproven group to fill their places. All eyes will be on former four star and West Mifflin standout converted defensive end Nakhi Johnson. Fellow Pittsburgh native Sean Fitzsimmons to be on the other end of Johnson. The ends will feature transfers Nate Matlack (Kansas State) and Chief Borders (Nebraska) and up and comers Jimmy Scott (redshirt sophomore) and Sincere Edwards (true freshman) on the other side. The linebacking corps could be the best Narduzzi has had since 2021. 6th year senior Brandon George will start at the mike (middle linebacker), while Star (playing the field side of the ball (not close to the boundary)) Linebacker Kyle Louis has received the second most hype of anyone coming out of the fall camp. Wrapping up the money (closest to the boundary) linebacker will be Braylan Lovelace the sophomore from Apollo. Yes they are unproven but the talent here is shocking and will look to be the strength of the defense. Ryland Gandy will likely take the number one assignment placed on the DB’s and longtime contributor Rashad Battle battles (hehe) with Tamon Lynum, the Nebraska transfer to fill out the second cornerback position. While I’m highest on the Linbackers, the safety position is remarkably deep. Donovan McMillon and Javon McIntyre will be the two starting safeties who are up there with the ACC’s best. Behind them is PJ O’brien who has finally appeared to turn the corner and live up to his potential and the most talked about player from fall camp, Steele Valley native Cruce Brookins. The safeties are deep and should be the lid that caps any offense they face. If the defensive line can produce, this defense is going to be as stingy a defense as Narduzzi has had in his ten years at Pitt.

Schedule Note:

The panthers avoid any West Coast trips but have Cincinnati and WVU in the non conference. They finish the year with Syracuse, SMU, Louisville, Clemson and Boston College so the panthers will have to finish the season strong in order to avoid another disastrous campaign.

Well, since there are now only four power conferences remaining (I will attempt to preview the two remaining members of the now poorly named Pac-12) I am only going to promise four conference previews. Apologies in advance to our extensive G5 demo. To start, I will highlight the most locally relevant of the two fun-wrecking, greed-motivated conferences, the Big Ten. As much as I hate the direction things are going, I must admit the addition of Oregon, UCLA, USC and, (note the oxford) Washington makes for electrifying conference matchups. I don’t have time to preface much more so let me get into it. I will be ordering the schools by my predicted order of finish. Alright a little more preface, with the addition of the west coast schools there are no longer divisions and the Big Ten Title will consist of a match up against the first and second place finishing teams.

Editors Note: I promised a lot and delivered a little. This will be the only preview and it is half way done but the season starts in a week and I have a feeling the rest will not be getting done. So enjoy an empty promise and a nagging feeling that you are more confused than you are informed after reading this wall of text.

Oregon:

First things first, let me defend the positioning. There is a team who is going to follow who undeniably have more talent across the board, but I am skeptical of their coaching which is why I have Oregon finishing numero uno in the Big Ten in 24. This Oregon Ducks team may have the tools for a deep run in the playoff.

 

Offense: A familiar name to college football fans takes the helm at QB for Oregon in 2024, Dillon Gabriel. Father time previously played for Oklahoma in 22-23 and UCF from 19-21. He is as seasoned as it comes. Although they lose stud receiver Troy Franklin to the draft, they reloaded with Evan Stewart from A&M and have a stud Tight End in Terrance Ferguson. Coupled with the skill they’ve been bringing in consistently to Eugene, it is hard to imagine that this offense does not flourish. It remains to be seen, however, whether Gabriel can replicate the Heisman nomination worthy campaign that Bo Nix had achieved the season before.

Defense: One thing that is wise to do as you grow in CFB fandom is that there are certain gaps in information that don’t make it from out west to the presses in the east. Since Mario Christobal and subsequently Dan Lanning have taken over Oregon, their defense and specifically their front seven are consistently amongst the best in the nation. While their especially vaunted defensive front from last year has experienced turnover, the wealth of talent they have accumulated seems ready to continue business. It will be difficult to find a better linebacker duo than Jestin Jacobs and Jeffrey Bassa. I do believe that there will be a learning curve for this defense adjusting to the difference in style that exists in the Big Ten but the wealth of talent should supplant any deficiencies arising from that.

Schedule Note:

They get Ohio State at home in what will likely be the penultimate Big Ten matchup of the season. They do have to travel to Michigan but my internal model (inner machinations of my mind are an enigma link) has the wolverines taking a marginal step down this year. Other than that, it is extremely manageable.

Ohio State:

Projecting them to finish second may very well bite me in the behind but I would like Head Coach Ryan Day to prove it before I crown any of his Ohio State teams. Why might I be proven a fool? I haven’t seen a team this deep in years. There is a jaw dropping amount of talent in Columbus right now. Let me do my best to break it down.

Offense: Kyle McCord transferred out to sunnier skies in Syracuse, New York. In comes a personal favorite of mine, Will Howard from Kansas State. Under Howard, Kansas State has outperformed each year that he has led the offense and there should be no doubt he can continue his success at OSU. Treveyon Henderson returns at running back much to the dismay of everyone. As does Emeka Egbuka who is as talented as a wide out comes. Their high standard of recruiting at wide receiver should reap benefits as the new generation (with the exception of Egbuka) is taking over. Ohio State returns four of five starters on the line. Hoooly moooly.

Defense:

Last year they had four guys who were on NFL Draft boards on the defensive line, only one left. Granted, I think the production has matched the hype but still guys like JT Tuimloau and Jack Sawyer are beasts in the trenches. They lose Eichenberg to the NFL but return Sonny Styles who is an unbelievable athlete and should be one of the best Linebackers in the nation. Cornerback Denzel Burke returns and they add Alabama transfer Caleb Downs who was one of the best safeties in the nation last year as a freshman. The talent truly is absurd across the board.

Schedule Note:

So here is where I get to explain myself a little more because I feel like I am coming off as a contrarian picking Oregon numero uno. Ohio State faces a tough test out at Oregon after facing an absolute brute of a defense in Iowa and go out to PSU. My skepticism in the head coaches ability is factors in a loss they likely cannot afford.

Iowa:

Okay hear me out. This is not a shot at the remainder of the teams in the Big Ten (Penn State fans I am looking at you). Just take a look just beyond what is valued at face. This defense is once again electrifying ant might be one of the best of this decade for Iowa and their defenses have produced at a similar rate as Georgia’s. Coupled with a very light schedule, the record might just be there for a third-place finish.

Offense: It was the worst last year. My 2008 North Hills Youth Football team put up more points a game than Iowa in 2023 (I was a defense only starter). After Cade McNamara (former Michigan starting QB) went down early in the season, each win was a miracle. But they found a way to win 9 in the regular season. It wasn’t all bad however, the Hawkeyes found a formidable tandem in Leshon Williams and Kaleb Johsnon at the running back position. After firing nepo baby Brian Ferentz they brought in former Western Michigan Head Coach Tim Lester who is not the most inspiring hire should be able to beat 15.4 points per game. Tight End Luke Lachey returns as does a promising group of receivers. Return 4 of 5 on the line. Offensive success this year is far from guaranteed, I find it to be impossible to be as bad as they were last year.

Defense:

The only reason that Iowa found itself with 9 wins was because of the defense last year. They always reload which they only need to do on the line, replacing two starters. Here is were things get a bit nutty, the linebacker core last year comprised of a Big Ten First Team All American in Jay Higgins, and two Second Team Big Ten All Americans in Sebastian Castro and Nick Jackson. All three of those guys are back. Very well could be the best linebacker group in the nation. And while they need to replace Cooper Dejean in the secondary, he is the only guy gone from the group. This defense is stacked head to toe and again might be the best that Iowa has seen.

Schedule Note:

They go to Ohio State and that is pretty much the only automatic loss on the schedule for the Hawkeyes. It is a fortuitous break in this year’s Big Ten and points to another ten win season for Iowa. Every other game they have they will likely be favored.

Penn State:

I have no pity for you guys, I want to get that out of the way. What I will do is play in to the, “this is the year” trope that seems to exist in perpetuity and here is why I am buying in. Andy Kotelnicki is in my opinion a fantastic hire. He had successful offenses with Buffalo and Jaret Patterson and at Kansas with Jalon Daniels. Be as pessimistic as you like but I think Drew Allar fits comfortably in that range of QB talent.  If I am a Penn State fan (could you imagine), I love an offseason of Allar and Andy.

Offense:

I didn’t even mention the best rb duo in the nation in Kaetron Allen and Nicholas Singleton. Absolutely terrifying to be an opposing defense. To quote a young and up and coming coach out of a small town Indiana, this is literally all Penn State needs to do (we’re going inside me, we’re going outside em, inside and outside…). While the receivers are receiving (lol) their fair share of doubt, the addition of Julian Fleming should be a more productive addition than Dante Cephus. The O Line is missing some NFL level names but that doesn’t mean the talent isn’t there as they have recruited the line well as of recent. I won’t judge anyone who wants to buy the stock of this offense.

Defense:

Abdul Carter leaves the linebacker group and puts his hand in the dirt (he could be standing d end but I am not looking that far into it) and rounds out one of the most complete d lines in the Big Ten.  While that leaves a hole in the Linebacker room, incumbents Kobe King and Jaylen Reed look to be the experience complement to the young talent that is in the Lasch Building. Speaking of King, Kalen King is off to the NFL but they add DB’s Jalen Kimber from Florida and AJ Harris from Georgia. With those two lined up on defense, Penn State will show the rest of the Big Ten that this is how they roll, out in Happy Valley.

Schedule Notes:

Things are as easy as they come in the first half of the season which bodes well for Penn State fans’ midseason expectations. They face Ohio State and (a more subdued) Washington in back-to-back weeks, fortunately at home. UCLA at home would not concern me if they didn’t face USC in LA the next week. If PSU can ace October and early November everything should take care of itself.

Michigan:

If I wasn’t an ethical writer I would rank them far lower. The reigning National Champs are in the midst of an NCAA investigation in which there is substantial evidence that they got caught stealing signs in one of the most ostentatious ways possible. Ole Jimmy Harbaugh got his National Championship and ran to the NFL as fast as he could. Not an ounce of remorse from those proud alumni at Michigan. Get over yourselves.

Offense:

Do they return one of the most dynamic backs in the country? Yes (Donovan Edwards). Is that pretty much it. A huh. The only other notable name is 2nd Team Big Ten TE Colston Loveland Jr who is a very efficient and effective target. They lose all but one starter on the line. The quarterback situation is very fluid as Alex Orji seems to be the favorite to start week one. As is the case with most quarterback transitions, it is unsure what the production from QB will look like this year. The reason they find themselves this high on the list is that the Harbaugh regime had been recruiting at a high level prior to his departure so there is talent across each position group especially the running backs.

Defense:

The situation is not dissimilar to the offense. Each position group has lost its primary contributors. Junior Colson, gone. Mike Sanristil, gone. Jaylen Harrell, gone. So again, Michigan will have to rely on the talent of the next group up in order to be productive. They did go out and get Jaishawn Barham, linebacker from Maryland, who will be a critical part of this defense. 2nd Team Big Ten Kenneth Grant Jr. is back as well and they have reloaded well on the defensive front but the secondary does not have nearly the depth that they did last year. It comes down to the question of how does this coaching staff under former OC Sherron Moore, transition post Harbozo.

Schedule Notes:

September 7th the face Texas at home which will give you as clear a picture as any as to how 2024 will fare for the Wolverines. They also get Oregon at home and are at Ohio State. Facing two of the top teams in the Big Ten regardless of venue will be a test for a first year head coach. This really is a crapshoot and I am making the rare gamble (for me) on talent here.

Rutgers:

Rutgers??? Behind Michigan??? There are a ton of reasons to love the Scarlet Knights this year folks. Greg Schiano returned to Piscataway with revival in mind and he is doing exactly that. Let’s take a look.

Offense:

There is only once concern I have. Whether or not Athan Kaliakmanis can return to the efficient numbers he put up in 2022 at Minnesota. Fortunately enough for him, Kirk Ciarrocca the OC at Minnesota during the 22 season will be his OC at Rutgers this fall. Elsewhere, one of the Big Ten’s most dynamic running backs Kyle Monangai returns to the backfield. They return four of five on the line. The wide receivers group is the deepest in decades at Rutgers headlined by the return of Christian Dremel, the leading pass catcher from 2023.

Defense:

Starts, starts, and more starts. They return 9 of 12 starters on defense. And those finding themselves in the starting role for the first time have extensive experience in reserve roles. With an imposing and physical secondary who played a massive hand in limiting opponents to 21 points per game in 2023, there is tangible evidence that the Rutgers defense will frustrate opponents offense to no end. Cornerback Eric Rogers is 6 ft 2 in and finding the starting role for the first time but has been the talk of camp thus far. If you are looking for a sign that typically average to below average program is going to make a sensational run, you look for a roster exactly like Rutgers. Experience at every position but more importantly the experience comes from guys within the program and not from the portal. I am very excited to see what happens to SUNJ (State University of New Jersey) this year.

Schedule Notes:

They don’t call it the Garden State for no reason as their athletic department has to be growing some inside favor with the Big Ten with the schedule they have this year. No Penn State, Ohio State, Michigan, or Oregon. They play all four west coast new comers this year with only one of them being away. That is one of the most generous conference schedules you could find in the Big Ten.

Notre Dame:

Grad Assistant, Notre Dame isn’t in the Big Ten (Not Yet LOL!). Yeah I know that but I ran out of time because I bit off more than I can chew with these previews. These conferences are massive and I started out by writing way too much about each team and I got too deep into it to stop. Anyways, any good catholic knows the symbolism associated with the number three. Coincidentally, every good Notre Dame fan knows the significance of the coach’s third year in South Bend. Leahy, Parseghian, and Devine all won a national championship in their third year and Brian Kelly made the BCS title in his third year as well. Guess what, Marcus Freeman is in his third year as Head Coach. The expectations could not be higher for the Irish this year.

Offense:

Notre Dame has never been much of an Agg school and as such it is another year without a home grown QB at the helm. They add in Duke Transfer Riley Leonard to lead the offense. While they lose Audric Estimee to the draft, the Running Back room is as stacked as any with Sophomore Jadarian Price likely to carry the majority of the load. The Wide Receiver room has talent across the board. With Leonard being an athlete at QB and not known as a pocket passer, OC Mike Denbrock back from his stint as OC at LSU will assuredly create a gameplan that involces utilizing the running backs, allowing Leonard to be the athlete that he is and highlighting the talent of the Wide Outs. While the analysis from yours truly seems to be entirely qualitative and lacking in statistics, you have to make the educated guess that Denbrock and this offense has the ability to prevent defenses from shutting down any phase of the O.

Defense:

The good news is, with a defense as formidable and deep as the Irish’s 2024 defense is, Notre Dame should be in every single game that they play. I was talking with my mentor (only the greatest CFB minds have been formed in his basement) this past week about the ceiling of this team and I decided that there is an impenetrable fact about this team. No matter the matchup, the atmosphere, the schematics or the gravity of each game; this defense has every tool at their disposal to slow down any offense in the game. The first to be mentioned is is First Team All American Xavier Watts. The six foot safety tied for the most interceptions in college football last year with seven and will be the great anchor in this talented secondary. The linebackers are the least deep but have experience at every position. The defensive line (I feel bad for encasing this tangent in parentheses because I am about to go off for a second here (you are more than welcome to skip to the closing of the first set of parentheses if you are tired of reading (I’ve added a third set of parentheses for effect (parentheses))) but I believe the single most important aspect of the college game is a defensive line. They have the ability to dictate the game more than any other position. The key to success lies within the talent of your d line.) can and will be talked about as one of the best in College Football. Duke transfer RJ Oben as the ability to generate pressure from the tackle position which as an ace in the hole. Noseguard Howard Cross is the perfect size for a nose guard whose stocky frame will cause issues with any line they face and Jordon Bohtelo’s ability to stop the run as an end is remarkable. Force the QB’s to pass the ball because they sure as heck will be wasting their time with a run heavy game plan. Also, to boot, they have defensive guru Al Golden as their defensive coordinator whose ability to produce high quality defenses is as good as I am at getting caught up writing lengthy previews.

Schedule Note:

Starting the year at A&M will be an early and formidable test but defense travels, I think the Irish will be a handful for the aggies (Good Luck Solomon Deshields you clown). The Irish are fortunate to have their biggest matchups sprinkled in between softer teams so if they can stay healthy and manage the schedule well, they should be ready for the big games against Louisville (I’m not doing an ACC preview but I am out on the cards) Florida State (just lost to the rambling wreck) and Southern Cal.

I would like to formally call out Gmail for preventing me from posting on here. You can’t filter password reset emails to spam just because they are frequently in my inbox. Adjust your positions in Alphabet before the public finds out about this.

Temperatures fluctuate, leaves change color and the nation’s focus turns to the gridiron. The cycle of seasons is constant. The variance within the cycle is constant. And as much as I wish my interests would deviate from its usual cycle, I find myself craving the college football season. If I would’ve posted the numerous drafts I have created, you would have followed a devout fan’s highly emotional reaction to a swiftly changing landscape when it comes to the sport (Needless to say, I am happy they are drafts as most of you would look at me differently had they been posted). Unfortunately for a team like Pitt, these changes have made things more difficult. It’s disheartening, it’s difficult to come to terms with and I thought it would drive me away from College Football entirely. After all, there’s a football league that exists where every single team is capped on its spending. I fully expected the cycle of my own college football yearning to be interrupted, at the very least, if not fully disrupted. Yet here I am reading about the 2024 Iowa Hawkeyes. Here I am, envisioning what will be an unprecedented unveiling of college football playoff games happening on campuses across the country. I am still drawn into the traditions that define the sport. I am still drawn to the unpredictability that makes the game so great. Do I think my Panthers, running leagues behind in NIL funding, struggling to retain any of their top talent, have a shot to do anything remotely notable this year. You bet your ass I do. Whether I like it or not, tailgates will pop up as they do every September. Marching bands are going to march this fall. Penn State will lose to Ohio State, and I will be there to soak in every moment of it. So, folks, as June turns to July and training camp inches closer, so will The Grad Assistant’s (II) CFB previews. It is good to be back.

After four months in the grave it would appear that the site’s best days are long day. The domain is still ours, however, so here’s a quick post to tide you over until, I guess, next year’s tax season is complete? and the GA has time to contribute.

I recently had the pleasure of attending a TSwift concert in the Queen City. 🚨 Hot take alert 🚨 – 1989 in 2015 was actually a better show (higher % of time spent on bangers vs the Grimm music she’s been making lately) but Eras did not disappoint. Among many great songs these stood out as the top five:

1. Bad Blood – I’m as surprised as you are. Despite being one of the weaker tracks from 1989, Bad Blood S L A P P E D in Cincy. If I had to guess it was the combination of a sweet fire show and a finally setting sun (see Cruel Summer write-up). Much like the 2016 election I did not see this coming and much like the 2020 election some losers are going to question the legitimacy of the outcome but it happened.
2. Are you Ready for It? – as far as I’m concerned this track marked the beginning of the concert, even if it didn’t get played until about an hour in. Absolute banger*. A favorite of mine since ESPN used it in the initial montage for ND vs. Clemson in 2018. Let the games begin, indeed.
3. Don’t Blame Me – do yourself a favor and listen to this immediately if you are unfamiliar, as I was until the show. Wow, what a treat. It’s big and haunting and fills up the entire stadium. A strong case can be made that, even if Fearless and Red were the most fun Eras of the evening, Reputation walks away as the golden age.
4. Enchanted – cheating slightly with this one. It’s a fine song but probably would not be a top track on the merits of the Cincinnati performance alone. Instead, listening to it from Mount Washington during her PGH performance alongside thousands of other non-ticketed fans made me appreciate the gravity of the tour and set into motion the forces that would send me down the river to the Queen City (“this night is flawless” — chills). Without Enchanted, the rest of this list does not exist.
5. Cruel Summer – I could not fucking wait to hear her play this. Easily the most anticipated song on the setlist for me. Unfortunately came out a bit flat – weather moved our tee time up an hour to 7pm, and I fear the earlier start suppressed some of the initial energy (Cruel Summer is the first complete song that gets played). Still a banger but alas! will not go down as the song of the summer.

* LBaby has argued that the verses are a little lame and that’s probably fair. Still bangs.

Fucking hell, the time after the super bowl but before march madness is the worst. Oh good! We now have tons of spare time on the weekend and we can do all of the shit we’ve been meaning to do! Now what was that again? The next thing you know, it’s 4:00am on a Saturday night and I’ve been standing in the same spot for seven hours, contemplating the horror of the FACT that there couldn’t possibly be a benevolent God that would create a system that makes living things need to fucking murder and consume other living things in order to survive. So is God evil or just impotent? Also, is Pitt hoops underrated or overrated? There was a moment a week or so ago when Pitt had more or less the same record as Virginia, including conference record, but Virginia was No.7 nationally and Pitt wasn’t ranked at all and estimated as a 9 seed. Honestly, I don’t follow college hoops much until it’s time for me to pick out a bracket, then I read a bunch of articles. All of the things that used to interest me about college hoops, either Notre Dame or Storied Programs, all seem to be foundering these days. I miss the Big East of John Thompson and Rollie Massimino and Louie Carnesecca’s sweater. I never thought I’d miss Mike Krzyzewski, but here we are. I’ve read that this year’s tournament field is incredibly flat, basically anybody can beat anybody on a good night. Does my longing for Storied Programs and a benevolent, omnipotent God make me a closet conservative? Am I, dear god, a fascist? Fuuuuuuuuck.

Until recently, my views on Tommy Rees were complicated.

Loved him as a player, believe it or not; something about a no-talent, unathletic kid wearing #11 resonated with me (as certain readers may recall, I also donned the double ones as the 9th man⁽¹⁾ for St. – – – – – – of – – – – -’s A Team in 2009), in addition to the several times he bailed out the 2012 team with zero emotion on his face. Perhaps because of this history, I also had a soft spot for him as a coach. In an industry of type A snake oil salesmen (not Marcus, of course, but the Dabos and Jimbos of the world), his lack of charisma presence or energy⁽²⁾ was actually kind of endearing (I mean this sincerely). The Do Your Fucking Job incident was also fun.

But holy hell were there some ugly things about his tenure. He was the QB’s coach for six years and produced zero game changers at QB (if your counter to this point is Ian Book – what are we even doing here). Over the three years he’s also been OC, ND lost eight games, six of which were emphatically the offense’s fault. This is where the football intelligentsia will say “no, no Ken you’ve got it all wrong; he’s a brilliant play-caller, his players just suck,” but a couple thoughts on that.

• Making sure the players don’t suck is kind of his Fucking Job. He had plenty of time to build a roster.
• Put that aside, the elites might say. “He won’t have that problem at Bama, and recruiting isn’t a thing in the NFL, for which he’s destined. Watch how good he schemes it up now.” Sure, fine. But does an offensive savant under any circumstances put up 14 net points and 14 gross points against Marshall and Stanford, respectively, as Thom did in 2022? We’ve seen the kid get absolutely body bagged intellectually several times (see second halves of Navy 22 and OK State Fiesta Bowl) against opponents with far less talent⁽³⁾. He got to make the offense in his image and likeness this season, and the team fell flat on its face as a result.

Don’t get me wrong, I wish he was staying this year. For the first time since 2015, the ingredients for an elite offense – stud QB in Sam Hartman (whose matriculation is perhaps Tommy’s finest accomplishment) playing behind a ferocious offensive line⁽⁴⁾ – are in place. I would’ve loved to see the guy put his name on it and prove me/the haters wrong. But given that no one, including Hartman, seems to be following the guy (why would they?), I’m not too worried about it. There is zero doubt in my mind that ND can do better at OC. Let the big brains in the NFL have Reesus; time to bring an Elko/Lea/Freeman⁽⁵⁾ equivalent to South Bend.

So while I’m not concerned about the football implications here, I will say I’m bothered by how scummy this all is. Tommy doesn’t owe anything to me or Jack Swarbrick or even (it pains me to say) Marcus Freeman. But he does to Sam Hartman. He does to every kid he pressured into coming to Notre Dame. They say it’s a business, but it’s a business built on the backs of teenagers. His value as a coach is in large part predicated on his ability to influence kids as they make the biggest decision of their lives. I realize that promotion and relocation are natural parts of coaching. However… Tommy is lateraling OC jobs between two top-end programs. Notre Dame pays him millions of dollars a year, so we’re far beyond the point of “he has to do what’s best for him.” Had he jumped to the NFL, I think we’d all say that’s cool, that’s a step up. That’s where all CFB players want to end up too. But Tommy has spent six years telling kids to come to South Bend instead of Tuscaloosa. To sign a recruiting class then immediately hop on Air George Wallace to join Bama – the program whose ethos is (I say this dispassionately) the antithesis of how ND markets itself; the team that kicked his ass in the 2012 championship and embarrassed him as a coach in the 2020 playoffs – feels extremely scummy and extremely manipulative and cowardly and I don’t like it.

So in summary, my views on Rees are less complicated now. Fuck that MFer, to quote one of his favorite films. But I will wrap up by saying thank you Tommy. For bailing us out against Purdue in 2012 (sincerely). For, uh, securing commitments from Brandon Clark, Drew Pyne, Tyler Buchner, and Steve Angeli (insincerely). And most importantly, for giving me a reason to break out the typewriter in February. Feels good.

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Note: these footnotes are even more meandering than usual, I wouldn’t bother reading.

(1) Pretty sure I was the 9th man – I can think of three guys who played even less than me, and I assume there were 12 guys on the team – but would love it if one of our readers could confirm. Fun fact: that team knocked Flay out of a game by breaking his hand in what was, at least at the time, the biggest win in program history.

(2) FFS this was his big “IM NOT LEAVING” moment last year. Chills.

(3) A quick, somewhat contradictory aside. A lot of Rees haters like to cite individual play calls as evidence for him being a bad play caller, but that’s not me. Rees is not Jack Nash but there’s a lot of game theory involved in play calling. You can’t call plays that play to your strengths every down, and sometimes the opposing DC just sniffs you out. It happens here and there, I don’t judge. But getting blanked in a 2nd half by the USNA means it happened like 40 consecutive times, in which case I do judge.

(4) We can thank Jeff Quinn for this. Harry Hiestand may be a better OLine coach, but that doesn’t mean Quinn was a bad one.

(5) This run of DCs is extremely impressive and underappreciated. Three consecutive home runs at DC, all of whom are now P5 head coaches. Tip of the cap to Kelly, while also underscoring how the offense has been the problem during Rees’ tenure.

Random thought to prove that I can be critical of Marcus: TRees wasn’t the only guy lateraling to a powerhouse this week. James Laurinaitis, previously a high-profile GA at ND, took an equivalent job at his alma mater, OSU. This was 100% inevitable, and good for him. Frankly, it’s always nice when folks show loyalty to their roots. However, there is no reason JL should’ve been a prominent part of the recruitment of any linebackers, as has been reported. The guy was always going to end up back in Columbus, and Marcus should’ve known better.

One more note: Bill Rees, Tom’s father, is employed by Notre Dame as its chief scout. It has been reported that Bill was influential in coordinating Tommy to Alabama. Helping a competitor poach one of your company’s top executives is scummy and extremely unethical. Turns out he was the impenitent thief by Reesus’⁽ⁱ⁾ side; send him straight to Golgotha.

(i) if it wasn’t clear, I did not coin “Reesus.” But it’s been good fun, and I’ll miss the jokes:

Folks, your boy got a new gig. I have ascended from a Staff Accountant to a Staff Accountant who works dahntahn. If this appears to you as only a title change well then you must not know the differences in image, routine, and social status that this ascension brings along. While I do not intend in going into detail about the lavish life of PAT busses (the port authority has recently rebranded as the PRT (Pittsburgh Regional Transit (I added another set of parentheses because I live in excess))) and lunches downtown, I would like for everyone to know that I read the headlines now. Yes, a crucial step to becoming ingratiated into the working dahntahnian is reading the headlines. Reading as much as is necessary to be informed these days is a difficult task and so I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t pass my newfound knowledge on to the faithful readers of COS. Here is what you missed by not being an informed dahntanian.

More Classified Documents Found at President Biden’s Delaware Home

Starting off with politics? Given my measured, certainly unbiased approach to covering college football for COS, I feel that this is well within my wheel house. Joey B just can’t catch a break with this one. In the midst of what was a developing case against Former President Donald Trump for mishandling classified documents ole Joey got caught doing the same thing. What is shocking to me is that this is an issue. Check the wallets of any member of their generation and see how far back they keep receipts. Some of the greatest battles of mankind has ever seen has been between leather and accumulated receipt paper. Yes, they aren’t technically their receipts and likely shouldn’t have ever left the establishment (maybe establishing a customer copy and a merchant copy isn’t the worst idea) but at the end of the day its paper. Yawn, move on.

Cost of Eggs Up, Shortages Due to Bird Flu

Okay I am upset. Last year it was the price of wings and now its the eggs (inadvertently just solved the chicken v egg argument as I typed that one out). I would really like for there to be an emphasized effort to start protecting chickens. You need eggs for everything! Cooking, baking, even teaching aerodynamics to middle schoolers! I get that it has been troublesome to fight the economic fires that have resulted from the pandemic but I’d empty any of Pittsburgh’s four rivers to put this one aht.

Debt Ceiling Looms Over Capitol as Congress Returns to Work

Okay this is going to give away how much I actually know about this issue but diving into this really gave me a good laugh. Apparently if we can’t sort out this issue and can’t pay the bills then our credit will appear tarnished on the international stage. You are saying to me that if we can’t pay the bills now then a nation who carries 31 TRILLION dollars in debt is going to seem like a credit risk? Hmmmm. Interesting. On the other hand I look like a credit risk because I don’t have enough lines of credit. So maybe going further into debt isn’t a bad thing? Probably could get a good deal on miles with Capital One.

r/Pittsburgh post claims that a shipping container was spotted in flight over dahntahn this week

Lets end with some local flavor. This is not an official headline but according to a post on reddit to r/pittsburgh a citizen of shadyside expressed concern that they might have spotted a flying shipping container in the sky. Whether this is yet another Pittsburgh tech company partnering with Amazon to find creative ways to become more efficient or someone was really fed up with hauling crap through the tunnels, rest assured it wouldn’t be unwise to be on the lookout for more flying shipping containers traveling over your home.

Note from the author: inspired by THE BEASTE’s latest contribution and determined to prove to the Grad Assistant that I’ve still got my fastball, I’ve decided to throw on the 4-5 and come out of retirement.
 

I took the Marshall loss hard. Deleted twitter, put the groupchat on mute, thought about going to church. “My god, my god, why have you forsaken me?” etc. But I kept coming back to something I wrote when Kelly skipped town:

Well said, Ken. There are very few college programs that are a sure thing any given Saturday, and the Irish weren’t one of them even during Kelly’s golden years. In fact, this past September feels pretty familiar: encouraging performance in an early-season loss against a strong opponent (see GA 2017 and 2019), subsequent let down against a weak team, and a couple of shaky wins led by an undersized quarterback who looks and, as Ken Sr noted during the first half of the Cal game, plays like he belongs in the 812⁽¹⁾ basement.

The best we could hope for this fall was stasis, and we’re still pretty close. The Freeman mandate remains the same: keep the train on the tracks so that you can continue to recruit your zbikowski off, and then in a couple years reap what you have sown. Finish this year with ~9 wins, beat those clowns from Los Angeles in November and we’re on our way. The best is yet to come⁽²⁾.

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I’d also like to address some comments made recently on these pages. Specifically:

Pride comes before the fall, who knew. Instead of dragging tGAJr, as he’s requested, I’ll defer to Donny Boy (think of the second highlighted portion as my response and, separately, the first as a motto of sorts for this blog).

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(1) I fear that our audience has dwindled to the point where everyone reading will understand this reference.
(2) I think and hope this is the case. To borrow a construct from TB, Freeman is both our guy and a good guy. And I promise no one will ever look colder in South Bend than this.

For those not keeping a fractional record as to how far into the College Football season we are, I will report to you that the regular season is a quarter of the way through. Though the fight to get to the season is arduous it seems as if it passes by with ease. A quarter of the regular season has transpired without comment from yours truly. I have found myself dealing with the uncertainties of transition but those headaches are nearing an end. However, my dear readers, this time spent away from writing has allowed for deep thought. Thoughts so deep that I now feel comfortable to provide analysis for the Pitt Panthers but also for the other two programs that dominate our demographic as well as a little touch of a national perspective. So now that I have already lost most of you talking about what I am about to talk about, here is what I am talking about.

Penn State’s Quarterly Report Card: A.

The GATE student who had to resign from five different officers positions they held. Hey we knew you had it in you. You just needed to settle down focus on maybe one or two extracurriculars (keeping a offensive coordinator for once). A gutsy win at Purdue to kick off the season (Week 1 is a difficult time to schedule a P5 opponent folks) and seeing consistent progress where you want to see it. The largest question heading into the season was not QB play (you morons) but whether or not the offensive line could aid Sean Clifford into creating offense. You add in Nick Singletary and you have a Quarterback who won’t do it all, he will not pass for 350 and 3 td’s, but he can make the right decisions and manage his way into scoring 40 plus points over the last three games. There is trouble ahead. Though it hasn’t shown yet (due to the strength’s of their opponents being conducive to Penn State’s defense) the front 7 will be tested against some of the nation’s most efficient rushing attacks in the month of October. Minnesota will be problematic as will Michigan. If Penn State can find their way to wins in those games then I have no doubt that the OSU matchup will be to decide the east.

Notre Dame’s Quarterly Report Card: B-

Let’s do the private school kid who transfers into regular public school classes.I think the expectations are unfair. Just because they came private school doesn’t mean they are smarter.  Surely most are expecting a harsh grade however I think that would be unfair. Notre Dame doesn’t have a quarterback. Notre Dame’s offensive line is arguably not as strong as years past. Notre Dame is replacing a stable back in what was Kyren Williams. There is transition on the defensive side of the ball. Notre Dame has a first year head coach. When the preseason diagnosis came that Notre Dame’s only loss might only be to Ohio State, I was confused. Maybe I was too pessimistic on the Irish’s chances to absorb the impacts of change and continue on successfully. I am not sure that Tommy Rees and Tyler Buchner were ever going to gel that well offensively. The defense is performing to arguably a higher standard than what was expected ( see holding Ohio State to 21 points, like what). This is not on Buchner, not on Rees and not on Freeman. It’s been mismanaged expectations. Obviously the Marshall loss is a horrible optic but I think the team is severely limited on Offense and it wasn’t the defense that lost them the game. As Freeman gains experience, as Pyne gains experience and as the young talent gains experience you would expect the quarters going forward to be a tad less bumpy.

Pitt’s Quarterly Report Card: B

This one is tough to put in terms of the apparent high school academic grading scale I’ve found myself referring to. Let’s go with the kid who blew Biology out of the water but is having a hard time understanding Chemistry. Yeah that one really makes sense because I think that is what Pitt’s issue is at the moment. An unimpressive win against WVU and a frustrating loss to Tennessee has Pitt fans unsure if the panthers can defend their ACC title. I think a lot of people thought there was going to be a peaceful transition between the 2021 Kenny Pickett led Pitt Panthers and the 2022 Kedon Slovis led Pitt Panthers (2008 election). Well it really wasn’t that seamless (2020 Election). A brand new offensive scheme and some unfamiliarity between QB and WR’s has left the offense a tad bit disjointed. Konata Mumpfield who was brought in to ease the loss of Addison has had some hiccups. But should that be shocking to you? I’d argue it shouldn’t be. The identity of this offense has changed which was apparent when Pitt dominated Western Michigan largely through a rush focused offense. The sample size is way too small to label this offense as unproductive. Defensively, the issue is similar. Two brand new linebackers and some unfortunate injuries on the defensive line has hindered Pitt’s production. With that said growth is taking place each game and you are seeing a more productive defense. Pitt held one of the most potent offenses in the game to 3 points in the second half. As time passes this team will get better as long as the rate that Pitt appears to be sustaining injuries begins to dwindle. 

Exceeds Expectations: 

Look closely and you can find some perennial poopers playing polar of expectations. I would like to call attention to some undefeateds. Kansas is undefeated, already covering their season win total including an away win at West Virginia( you idiots, you morons, you played week one like it was your super bowl and you lost to Kansas. You should be embarrassed). Duke is another surprise especially considering Mike Elko is in year one of his tenure. If you are close with me or pay attention to COS’s only podcast Noon on Saturday you wouldv’e one smart contributor call for Oregon State to surprise folks this year. They are in fact undefeated with two solid wins agains Fresno (debatably the best G5 program this year) and Boise. 

1.5 hour Parent Teacher Conference:

This is for the kids who’s behavior call for serious intervention. I would mention Nebraska and Arizona State but they have already intervened. Kirk Ferentz is dealing with the issue of why you never go into business with family. His Son is singlehandedly imploding the program Kirk built for 20 years at Iowa. He is offensively inept which is okay in some scenarios but not when you are the Offensive Coordinator. In that case, it’s not okay.  I don’t enjoy writing this but Jeff Hafley and Phil Jurkovec need to have a sit down. With losses to Rutgers and Virginia Tech who are both below average teams, it seems the offensive magic that existed in 2020 is now gone. We could be looking at mid-season expulsion if things continue to go poorly. 

Just as a final note, a note I didn’t think I would find myself writing but due to some recent activity I feel like this should be said. Last Saturday, Pitt won and covered on the road against a group of five opponent on the back of Pitt’s third string quarterback. Feel like a winning program would be able to handle a G5 opponent at home with their starting QB. Maybe I’m holding people to higher standard than what is fair