CZECHS OVER STRIPES

The Beaste – 9/23/2022

Note from the Editor: there is nothing better than waking up to four 2am emails from [email protected], who becomes COS’s most prolific 2022 contributor with this post. Please enjoy his latest below.

I should have written this a week ago, when the Hot Take types might have been tempted to predict that Notre Dame might not win a game all year.  After losing to Marshall, it appeared that the offense might have no path forward to improve.  A new receiving corps wasn’t going to spring forth from the Touchdown Jesus mural⁽¹⁾.  The line was abysmal so running was impossible and there’s only one Michael Mayer.  If there’s a dimension between zero and one, that’s where Notre Dame’s offence could be found.  Vast improvements needed to be made, but there was that sinking feeling that it might not be possible with the players they had.  Then they lost their quarterback for the season.

And I felt a certain kind of lightness.  During the broadcast, much was made of the fact that Marcus Freeman was the first Notre Dame coach to ever lose his first three games⁽²⁾.  And yet I had a little flutter of joy in my heart.  You see, Brian Kelly is no longer the head football coach at the University of Notre Dame.

For those not familiar, Kelly’s tenure at Notre Dame consisted of very successful regular seasons, each followed by an embarrassing loss at the end.  Often very good.  Never great.  That I can forgive.  What I find it hard to forgive is when someone is openly and brazenly just a fucking slimeball.  He’s the type of coach who blames “execution” (i.e. his players) when the team loses and lauds “coaching and preparation” (i.e. him) when they win. Coaches yell at players, sure, but for some reason when Kelly did it, he had all the decorum of a four year old who wanted cheetos for dinner and can’t believe that life is so cruel.  Still though, is all of this really so bad?  I mean, he’s not a monster⁽³⁾.  But who could possibly root for the kind of guy who fakes a southern accent when he meets his new fan base?  You know the world is upside down when I feel bad for LSU.

Over this past summer, Mrs.TheBeaste noted, “The Steelers are about to find out how much they relied on their piece of shit of a human being quarterback to pull out last minute wins for the past twenty years.”  She was right, as always.  The case against Ben Roethlisberger is much more cut and dry.  Rape.  There, done.  Besides his actual prison-deserving crimes⁽⁴⁾, his personality flaws are massive and too many to list⁽⁵⁾ and it gives me great joy to hear Pittsburgh sportscasters⁽⁶⁾ talk openly about what a garbage human being he is.  It’s a weird space to be in to root for a team but to root against the player who is most responsible for them winning.

It can’t be healthy for me to harbor such negative feelings.  I guess I’m hoping that writing this will serve as a sort of exorcism, now that it’s safe to do so.  Because (say it with me, people) THOSE FUCKERS ARE GONE.  This is the first time in nearly twenty years that I can root for football teams that I actually, unequivocally, LIKE.  We in the The Beaste household are celebrating all of this upcoming season.  And that celebration will go on, despite the fact that the Steelers and the Fighting Irish are about to lose a LOT of games.

“Show me someone who is comfortable with losing and I’ll show you a loser.”  Sure.  But here’s the thing that people miss in all of this.  I’m not the one winning or losing the games.  I’m just watching other people compete and rooting for their success because it’s fun.  When it comes to sports, winning is just how I feel at the end of the day⁽⁷⁾.

Which brings us to the thorny case of Lou Holtz.  So, let’s be honest with ourselves here.  Even before the national championship that he won, in fact even before the team played a single down with him as head coach, we all knew that he was a little bit slimy and we loved him anyway.  Even among the members of my family that can’t stand Brian Kelly’s “character” all was forgiven with Lou⁽⁸⁾.  His differences compared to Kelly are pretty obvious, national championship aside.  Lou’s charisma was off the charts, and his clear and genuine love of the university itself was endearing as fuck.  But the slime was still there, indelible, and backed up by his actions occasionally.  And this led to a certain *wink, wink* vibe that it was ok because he was *ours*.  And sometimes I think that the “It’s ok when it’s our guy” approach to moral choices is one of the root causes of what is wrong with our society.  But I loved him as much as anyone else.  Would I still love him in the same way today⁽⁹⁾?  I honestly can’t say.

Post-script:  I attended a wedding a few months ago, in a picturesque back yard on a lake in Florida.  Weeping willows, lighted docks, all that shit, gorgeous.  And I got into a similar discussion with the gentleman whose gorgeous house and yard it was.  He was also a Notre Dame grad and a Steeler fan.  And when I said something like “Success is great, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t have character” he immediately became offended.  Ok dude.  You do you.  Life’s litmus tests abound, I suppose.  …Then later, when I was shooting the shit with one of the servers, she let me know that the leftover alcohol from the reception had already been purchased and would be left in the house.  As we left the reception to continue matters back at the hotel, my nephew [name redacted], in an act of glorious chutzpah and questionable morals that will no doubt be remembered for generations, brazenly walked out of the house with a large crate full of assorted booze, and then ten minutes later spilled half of it as we entered the hotel.  Legendary.

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(1)  I think the other non-Jesus folks on the mural are apostles, maybe?  There may be a king or two in there?  I should know this.  Definitely not wide receivers though.

(2)  In Freeman’s case, dating back to last year’s bowl game

(3)  We’ll get to the monster momentarily

(4)  Some in the Steelers organization who saw the report from the NFL’s investigation, called it “horrifying”

(5)  including self-servingly calling his past sins “between me and God” to avoid any actual reckoning

(6)  including the late, legendary Myron Cope

(7) Fer chrissakes, the Grad Assistant is a Pitt fan, but that doesn’t make *him* a loser.

(8) You can tell a lot by the fact that we call him by his first name, a sign of affection.  Brian Kelly is just “Brian Kelly” or “”Kelly”  and you could probably do a peer-reviewed sociological study about who calls Ben Roethlisberger “Ben” vs “Roethlisberger” vs “Fatty” vs “”That Rapist” and the correlation to their political beliefs

(9) It’s all too easy to retcon Lou into Bad Guy status due to his recent descent into the MAGA morass, so let’s choose to ignore that for the sake of embracing all of this delicious ambiguity

Yo is the Mic still on. We are dangerously close here to being six months removed from the last post on this site. Believe it or not we don’t have the brand power quite yet where we can tease releases for as long as we have.  Am I going to sit here and promise consistent content in the coming days. Nope. But what I will tell you is that I am going to post more ramblings while no one is looking and in light of the Buccos outperforming expectations early, here is the top of my ramblings lineup.

Batting first in the Irreverant Rambles lineup we have my take on NIL. There has not been a post about NIL since the Addison Accident and I feel it should come from me as opposed to anyone else. When Jordan Addison made the decision to enter the transfer portal, I crumbled. My immediate reaction was that I lost the one sport that I love so dearly to a changing landscape that would never provide enough opportunity for the Pitt Panthers to compete nationally. While that still could be the case I have since cooled off and now found solace in the fact that each school, and increasingly the blue bloods, are having trouble keeping up with the financial commitment that recruiting in the NIL world requires. I think its likely college sports begin to see definition take place in regards to NIL to limit outrigh stealing players like that no good, dirty rotten, joke of a meat smoker, transfer reliant, fraudulent, toothpick look-a-like, underwhelming, outright arrogant, lastname, firstname instead of a firstname, lastname having, a$$ coach out at USC. Besides my faith in Pitt has not waivered much.

Very related and batting second is the NSFW and may not ever see the light of day opinion on the Pitt Panthers. I am going to keep this short in fear of exposing what might be my most vile opinion on Pitt that I have ever had. So ghastly and repulsive I am keeping it to myself for the safety of my loved ones. If this take was released it would eventually be to my own and their detriment as well. All I have to say is I have the utmost confidence in the 2 quarterbacks that could lead this offense this year. Adding the fact that there will be 0 new faces on the offensive line bolsters my confidence in whichever offense appears on the field. On the other side only losing 1 member of yet another dominant defensive line is crucial for this defense potentially being one of Narduzzi’s best. Last but not least, as was apparent in the conference championship game having the 2 H’s at safety will ease any discomfort you might have about losing Damarri Mathis and some inexperienced talent emerge at the cornerback spot. This take more than likely will be revised but if you look closely its not hard to see which team this has me reminiscent of. 

Rounding out the top of the lineup is my opinion on the world around me. In no means is this an educated rant but it certainly is visceral. I feel like it is responsible to not neglect what the current state of things are and to offer my thoughts on the world around me. With what happened in Uvalde and Buffalo just ten days prior and the outrage that has followed but has since tempered, bringing up the issue of safety that exists because of gun violence should be brought up maybe not incessantly but consistently enough that it remains relevant. Thoughts and prayers are not enough. Increasing security and arming schools is the most illogical and out of touch argument that I have possibly ever seen and would likely only exacerbate the situation. I don’t know the point of this rant but my main goal is to ensure that Uvalde and Buffalo and countless other senseless acts remain in the thoughts of our country. Things really need to change and I wish it wasn’t so hard for the right people to make the right decisions but here we are. 

By: The Beaste

Note from the editor: we could not be more excited to introduce our newest staff member, The Beaste. As TB alludes to in the following post, this is probably a “in their desperation, they turned to a man they didn’t fully understand” situation. However, much like the Grad Assistant Jr, “it’ll be ready to post in a few days” from The Beaste really means “remind me in a couple months,” so we think he’ll fit in nicely. Please enjoy, and as always, thanks for reading – Ken.

The Gray Monstrous Beaste emerges from the shadows.  The blog nears the end of its first act⁽¹⁾ and a new antagonist is made known.  It’s like if you read LOTR starting with the second book (which I did for some reason) and you think Saruman is the main bad guy, and it’s only later that you learn about Sauron and you’re like oh fuuuuuuuuu…

The thing is the boys were content starved, or maybe just lazy, and that caused some sloppy and desperate decision-making.  Bring in a new podcast?  Absolutely!  But let it slip across a dinner table that you’ll accept any written content as long as it abides by the Rules?  Huge mistake.  

I think if Ken were to have, I don’t know, not fucked up, he might have considered who he was talking to… I mean, not just myself (god help you), but also my older and far crueler brother⁽²⁾. And he may have chosen less dangerous words.  But time, like entropy, moves in one direction.  Or does it.  Regardless, it’s too late.

All of which is to say Hello.

Mostly what I’m trying to do in this post is make Ken nervous⁽³⁾.  I mean, what *will* I write about, Ken?  I certainly don’t know, so how could you?  Strident political issues that will alienate 50% of our readers?  Boring dorky stuff like watersheds and geomorphology?  Weird druggy shit?  Straight up porn?  I told Ken that my first blog post was going to be just random letters, like “gjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgj [and so on, literally forever]” and he didn’t have a way out of it.  

You see, there are Rules to this blog. In case you aren’t aware of them, they are as follows:  I. No hate speech⁽⁴⁾, and  II. No real names⁽⁵⁾.  Fine rules, the bare minimum, frankly.  But anything else goes, apparently.  And if that seems like a bad idea to you, Dear Reader, I can only concur.

Don’t worry Ken, it’ll probably be mostly sports.  OR WILL IT

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(1) of a 527 act work that is itself but a sliver in a much larger Volume

(2)  Let’s stretch this LOTR comparison past the breaking point and call him Morgoth

(3) Grad Assistant Jr loves it

(4)  Ken shot a pointed look at Morgoth across the table when he said this (we all laughed uncomfortably) and then Morgoth, bafflingly undeterred, replied “Buuuut, what if it was funny?” … Debate is split on whether “He’s learned so much though (*sigh*)”

(5) More on this later

Per the terms of my employment and at the request of the head coach, I am required to generate a weekly report regarding the state of the program as a whole. This is my unedited and unqualified analysis of the University of Pittsburgh’s football program. If you are not interested in my recap of the 2021 season read first paragraph and then scroll to third, thx.

At the end of the night on December 10th, the Pitt Panthers had more questions than answers after a season concluding win. With the ensuing bowl season in the balance due to the ever-present battle with Covid, the team’s flagship radio station losing two of its key components in Pitt football coverage, and what would assuredly be an off-season full of departures, the program lacked definitive direction. Fast forward to August, Pitt’s starting quarterback Kenny Pickett would be entering his fifth fall camp, Noon On Saturday was reborn, and a team with unnoticed potential was beginning to take shape. I will take a quick break in this story to reference the first and up until this point, only, Weekly Report of the fall. The report filled with unabashed optimism had called for what seemed like a highly unlikely and almost certain consecutive year of misplaced optimism in the Pitt football program, and most importantly a conclusion worth noting, “Strap in folks, this is the year”. Let’s resume, shall we?

In what could only be described as a quintessential Pitt football September, the Panthers would go into a historical SEC venue in Neyland Stadium to defeat an unexpectedly potent Tennessee football team and then, just a week later, lose to the Western Michigan Broncos from the MAC in a shoot out. Head Coach Pat Narduzzi’s seat already warmed with the friction of missed opportunities of years past had now been heated to an uncomfortable temperature with the likelihood that the football team would again perform under the mediocre standard that had befallen on them. Just to make note, I found this loss to be the catalyst of the season and do not for one second lament the outcome on that day, no matter the value of winning that game. A victory came easily against a FCS opponent that probably was the victim of the frustration of the previous loss which set the stage for what would be an unbelievable final 2/3rds of the season. The win against New Hampshire did little to quell the displeasure of the Pitt faithful but Pat Narduzzi had the opportunity to do so himself with what would be arguably the most important October of his head coaching career. Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech, Clemson and Miami in order were the opponents to begin ACC play. Optimistic Pitt fans at the time were wishing to beat Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech(both away) and hoping to beat Miami. The first two games featured dominating away victories, setting the stage for a down but still formidable Clemson team to travel up to Heinz field. Not only did Dabo Swinney and the tigers travel up to Heinz field but so did the dormant Pitt fan base that had long awaited a nationally relevant matchup including the Panthers that wasn’t versus a non-conference rival. This game was huge and would be the determining factor as to whether an explosive Pitt offense was legitimate and would also reveal if Pitt were to be conference contenders. Pitt won by double digits at home. Thus began the era of Pitt being considered as contenders for the College Football Playoff. Interviews dominated the week. Attention was being paid to this Pitt team on a scale that was much greater than the typical upset of which Pitt had become accustomed too. After a week full off playoff hype, Pitt would fall to Miami at home after Miami’s true freshman quarterback would torch Pitt’s secondary in the first half and hold till the finish to give the Panthers their second loss of the campaign. The questions of Narduzzi’s head coaching caliber would rise again as Pitt was in jeopardy of losing the opportunity to clinch the coastal. November shaped up to be the most influential month of the season and given Pitt’s performances of Novembers past, there was a legitimate cause for concern. A slow start against Duke made doubts grow considerable heading into a short week when UNC would come to Heinz Field on a Thursday night to, yet again, test the validity of Pitt’s team. The team would start lighting fast against North Carolina and have to fight all the way into overtime for a win, which would come as a monsoon poured and Pitt would pick off North Carolina’s Sam Howell to seal the game. At the conclusion of that weekend, Pitt would remain atop the Coastal with one loss but could not afford to lose against its next opponent, the Virginia Cavaliers, without losing its top spot. In this game Pitt’s offense would torch UVA’s defense in shootout, ending when Biletnikoff winning Wide Receiver Jordan Addison fought off a Virginia defensive back to seal the game and the coastal for the Panthers(worth noting Notre Dame had recruited Biletnikoff winning, true sophomore Jordan Addison to be a defensive back). With the coastal clinched and Pitt’s position in the ACC championship solidified, Pitt had only history to play for when it met Syracuse on the last game of the regular season and history they achieved. With the win against Syracuse, Pitt became the first team since 1982 to win ten games in the regular season. Wake Forest was the last team to stand in the way of Pitt’s first outright conference win in the program’s storied history. Two offensively oriented teams would meet to decide the ACC champion. Wake Forest would score 21 points in the first quarter and play true to its strength initially but would not score again as defense became the focal point of this game. Pitt would pick off Sam Hartman 4 times in the game to solidify Pitt as ACC champions.

In the spirit of We Not Me, the Panther’s 2021 slogan, I had left out that Kenny Pickett would have the best single season a Pitt quarterback has ever had after the press wouldn’t mention his name with the best in the conference let alone the nation. I had refrained from mentioning that Pitt’s defensive line for the third consecutive year would finish top 5 in sacks after losing two All American defensive ends to the NFL, and it is worth pointing out that most believed the losses on defense to be too much for the team to be successful. Losing All-ACC center and All-ACC guard Bryce Hargrove to the draft would be no issue for an offensive line that lacked production in previous years but had performed high above the standard set upon them in the preseason. The unanswered questions, the highlights of the season, the success that Pitt had this season points back to one, undisputed, irreputable fact. The preseason call made by yours truly was remarkably accurate. Those who are close to me grew tiresome of the calls for a 10 win season and the unwavering support of Head Coach Pat Narduzzi. Is this season anymore proof that your deaf ears and patronizing faces should be ashamed of the ignorance it bestowed? What’s more entertaining is the seemingly organized effort to find holes in this imperfect but notably successful season. Desperate attempts to claim the Peach Bowl as the most important game of the year and critical definitions of a team’s captain and how the Heisman finalist does not fit them. Rest assured, those within the program are thankful for the opportunity to represent the ACC and are only thankful for the quarterback who put them in this position. Are the fans of different teams who have so passionately detested the perspective of Pitt fans and players alike afraid of the potential of a rising program? Are they uneasy that it might be harder to pick on the Panthers in the future? It is unclear and I will also say Pitt’s potential is as equally unsure. What I am sure of is the effort and time put into this agenda can’t be worth throwing stones at the champion of a seemingly irrelevant conference. It amazes me how quick empathy is lost when those who were once in very similar positions(Think Jimmy Clausen and Matt McGloin) reach stable success. Where does the truth lie in an argument of relevancy? It only confuses me that “superior programs and conferences” would spend such time building an argument against a program and a conference that is so often deemed as lowly. This is where my expertise expires and I can only guess, which is not my job. As a Grad Assistant, I am to learn and to report. Understand, my goal is only to inform and not to mislead. I come to you as a student-teacher and not a salesman. This is evident in my accurate prediction for this team. In parting, I want to thank the avid readers of the site and the consistent listeners of the Noon On Saturday podcast especially those who understood the vision of an ACC championship. Hail to Kenny, Hail to Pitt, and Hail to the Grad Assistant.

Note from the author: this was penned late Monday evening after the Kelly news broke but due to some meetings and phone calls it could not hit the press until now. Since then there have obviously been some significant developments but going to publish the raw version for the sake of posterity. See postscript below for an updated sentiment check. As always, thanks for reading – Ken

I don’t know what to say, really.

In 2016, I supported Jack Swarbrick’s decision to retain Brian Kelly as Notre Dame’s head football coach following a disastrous 4-8 season, mostly because there weren’t any strong replacement candidates readily apparent. There were plenty of good arguments for Kelly’s termination at the time, but with hindsight any non-moron would agree that his retention was the right call. Since that nadir Notre Dame has hired a bunch of good coaches, recruited a bunch of good players, and won a bunch of games.  NDFB is in as good a place as it’s been during my sentience (which encompasses the post Davie epoch), and that is good and it is pleasant. He didn’t start the fire but Brian pulled the lamp from under the bushel and for that he deserves a ton of credit (and, yes, gratitude).

This is where it gets a little complicated, so listen up. In addition to some good coaching by Kelly, a couple really important things have gone Notre Dame’s way over the last few years. The ACC (of which the Irish are a de facto member) and the recurring characters on the schedule (Stanford, Southern Cal, Navy) have been god-awful. Sprinkle in a couple games against Bowling Green et al, and a lot of Kelly’s wins over the last few years were pretty much free spaces on the board. Perhaps more importantly, and this is really easy to forget, the Irish have won a lot of close games against some of those god-awful teams. The venerable 2018 squad was lucky to squeak out one possession lower-case w’s against the likes of Ball State, Vanderbilt, Pittsburgh (post Kenny football, pre Kenny Heisman), and a mediocre USC team; the 2019, 2020, and 2021 seasons similarly all look very different if single plays break against the Irish. The point here isn’t really to diminish what Kelly has accomplished, nor is it to suggest I’m glad he’s leaving, because I’m not. We’ve talked a lot about how fond I’ve been of the status quo at Notre Dame, given some of the headwinds the football program faces, and that hasn’t changed. The formula BK discovered – rehabilitate your program with a bunch of wins against bad teams, sneak into the playoffs on brand as much as merit and take your chances from there – is a good one; in fact, it’s one that almost certainly drew Lincoln Riley to Los Angeles from SEC-bound Oklahoma.

But it actually kind of does matter what they say in the papers – Notre Dame has not been competitive in the handful of big games it’s played in under Kelly. Over this fun five year run, the Irish have exactly one top ten win (over a team that was missing both its and CFB’s best player) and have been slaughtered every time they’ve played an elite team in the postseason. The guy has been in South Bend a million years and won a billion games, yet much of the fan base will be relieved to see him go and… can you totally blame them? At his best he’s bland and at his worst he comes across like a complete jackass. He’s not a young, charismatic genius akin to Riley (ND will certainly have to deal with some transfers and decommitments, but is there really any fear of an exodus to Baton Rouge like the one taking place from Norman to LA?), nor is he a football maniac like Kirby Smart or Saban (or even Harbaugh ffs). He’s a really really good coach, but somehow only in America’s second poorest state is he worth $10mm a year. While it drives me crazy when the Notre Dame administration doesn’t reinvest in the program, this is probably a reasonable place to draw the line. We’ve heard Brian’s song, and it’s a good tune, but it’s not better than the rest.

If you’re tasting hints of equanimity, it’s because, unlike in 2016, the program is in a good place, and Sophisticated Jack has some excellent replacement candidates to choose from. As for me, I like current defensive coordinator Marcus Freeman for the job of Dick Corbett Head Football Coach. He’s young and charismatic and a genius, and in less than twelve months on the job he’s proven you can get elite talent to South Bend if you try hard (something Kelly rarely does on the recruiting trail). He’s beloved by his players and he led the Irish to a top ten finish in scoring defense this year. He’s got six kids with his catholic wife and people (not me, though I agree) are saying he looks like a more handsome John Legend. Sure, he’s been a Power Five coordinator for just one season and it’s a play with plenty of risk to the downside, but fortune favors the brave, even if bravery was Plan B. We’ve always known that it will take an elite recruiter as head coach for the Irish to join CFB’s cartel of elite programs. If Freeman is that guy, ours is the Earth and everything that’s in it.

I guess the takeaway, as always, is that the world is a complicated place, and a few things can be true at once. Notre Dame needs to invest more in the football program, but it doesn’t need to throw good money after bad. We’d be better off if the stability Brian Kelly brought to South Bend was still intact, but our chances of winning a natty may actually increase with his departure.

I can be grateful for Kelly’s contributions to Notre Dame, but I will never want someone to fail more than I want him to fail in Louisiana.

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News broke Wednesday evening that Freeman would in fact be elevated to head coach. Please see below for my thoughts.

Well Ladies and Gents the time has come to expand the media on this platform. It is time to welcome Czechs over Stripes first sponsored podcast Noon On Saturday. Negotiations are not even close to over. Ownership still resides with me. That won’t change and as the primary producer of content and designated driver of clicks, I am going to post this for my own benefit and I don’t think there will be consequences for doing so @Ken. Take a peak into the mind of the next great College Football Pundits framed through betting lines and spreads. Listen in doses if you must, the creativity and eloquence could be a bit too much for some but also the missing piece of CFB info for others. Without further ado, Noon On Saturday presented by Czechs over Stripes,

https://open.spotify.com/embed/episode/2VgueKPTgnfDVbhVlilAU9

We’re back, and oh boy does it feel good. Many thanks to The Grad Assistant JR for turning our summer of missed-content into glorious fall. It’s an exciting time at CoS; in addition to expanding the writing staff, we’re in the final phases of negotiations to acquire one of PGH’s fastest growing talk shows (if Noon on Saturday is with us, who can be against us?). As for me, I’ve been quite busy making calls and having meetings over the summer but am more committed than ever to growing this media empire. CoS is still yet to generate its first dollar of revenue, but I have a feeling it’s right around the corner.

In any case, y’all don’t want to hear me; you just wanna read. Please enjoy the latest batch of JTCP.

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1 To all the boys I love presently

Hey Ken, it’s kind of weird how much you and the fellas enjoy wrestling with each other:

Every time one of the fellas asks if she has friends:

Whenever the apps show one of the fellas or lady fellas an unsightly prospect:

2 Stop paying for postage

Here’s the situation. My understanding is that, if you mail a letter without a stamp, the US Postal Service will eventually take the letter back to the return address on the envelope. This begs the question: if you set out to mail a letter, and list the recipient address as the return address, and do not attach a stamp – do you ever need to pay to send a letter? Has everyone been doing this for years, and that’s why the USPS is even deeper in the red than CoS?

I’ve run this proposition past several folks, many of whom I respect, some of whom I even trust. The response is typically something along the lines of idk Ken, that’s dumb or idk Ken, that sounds like mail fraud, but no one has convinced me it wouldn’t work. I’d encourage our reader(s) to sound off in the comments below and let me know what I’m missing, but right now it sure seems like paying for postage is for suckers.

3 You’re a real one if this one resonates

4 Woof (the bad kind)

Not great. Now COS typically tries to stay out of politics, and that will continue to be the policy going forward. In this instance, I do want to acknowledge that there are folks who question the president’s mental state, and frankly those questions aren’t without merit. If you are politically predisposed to ask those questions, though, I’d just ask you to remember that this is your king.

5 Where do blogs come from?

6 For the avoidance of doubt

I’ve often been accused, by the haters and losers, of writing for an audience of one. This is simply untrue. However, the following will necessarily be appreciated only by a limited set of readers:

(if you’ve made it this far, the joke for #3 was “Orange Julius,” speaking of cryptic references)

Per the terms of my employment and at the request of the head coach, I am required to generate a weekly report regarding the state of the program as a whole. This is my unedited and unqualified analysis of the University of Pittsburgh’s football program.

Yup, I am back. We are back. College Football is back. It is customary that my weekly incoherent thought dumps about Pitt Football are indeed back. Here is what you can expect, from my perspective, from the 2021 Pitt Panther Football Team.

This is the year that could mark the end of mediocrity within the Pitt Football program. Most of you say, “Grad Assistant Jr, you say this every year” and you would not be wrong in reminding of that. The difference between this year and all the other years past is depth. It was inevitable that the younger members of the team would have to step up after losing key starters on defense and on the offensive line. Fortunately enough for Pat Narduzzi, they did. Thanks to the extra year that was granted to each player as a result of pandemic, Pitt is in a position for the first time in a long time where it is deep at every single position defensively. The defensive line is as deep as its ever been. The linebacker position is as deep as its ever been under Narduzzi. The defensive backs have impressed a lot in camp. The offensive targets are there. Kenny Pickett returns. The only receiver lost was DJ Turner and sophomore Izzy Abanikanda has turned heads in camp. It will inevitably come down to the play of the offensive line. The reasons for optimism are found in the competition that was formed in fall camp at the tackle position. However, it is not easy to replace Jimmy Morrisey and Bryce Hargrove. If the offensively is able to turn a notoriously stagnant red zone offense into an efficient point producer, there is no reason to believe Pitt can achieve 9 regular season wins. Conversely, say the offense remains similar to 2019 and 2020, Pat Narduzzi will have lost yet another chance to turn this program in the right direction. There are plenty of reasons to believe in this team. Let me emphasize that the difference between this team than teams of years past is the depth that exists in almost every single position excluding quarterback and guard perhaps. The quality of player has not changed and the young talent has impressed. Confidence is quietly abundant in the locker room. Strap in folks, this is the year.

The date is July 1st and student athletes are being paid for their image and likeness. Now forewarned is fair warned, I have done a laughable amount of research into the details of this so anything that is said from here on out should be taken with a grain of salt but I’m going to tell you why this is great.

First off, you aren’t a fan of a college football team if you can’t be happy for the players in this moment. If you believe that this is a degradation to college sports it’s because all you care about is your school’s representation in the sports world and care little about the athletes who have earned the representation (aka you are the problem). We can argue about if the price of a college education being enough payment for a student athlete (excuse me laughing in your face), we can argue about the impact it will have in recruiting (fair, but I will at least snicker more than likely chuckle), and hell we can argue about the impact it will have on the student body as a whole (I imagine very little) but the fact of the matter is, from here on out these kids are getting paid. The clock struck midnight and athletes had already launched on multiple platforms that bring in revenue to their own pockets. For many athletes, they will not see a more opportune time to cash in on their name than right now. Rather than universities holding exclusive rights to that and using it for “academic growth” (aka a new school of study that an administrator whose title had grown stale and was in need of a refreshing upgrade and decent pay raise, meet the dean vice provost of post civil war – pre industrial revolution studies here at state university) these athletes who give all their time to athletics and whatever is left over to academics can now get their due. Maybe I am short sighted and the consequences of this are monumental and will topple college athletics as we know it but in the interim, this will do the most good for the people who really ever only mattered in this situation and that is the athletes. Point is, sit back, watch this unfold, participate if you want to and boycott CFB if you hate it but the time where athletes are getting a portion of their share is now. The sports you love won’t change, the universities are going to be fine and the product that has made college sports as big as they are will be the same as years past. Only difference now is that you won’t be surprised when Czechs Over Stripes gets a plug in a Heisman speech.

The Year is 2021 and the powers that reside over College Football are beginning to listen. In a landmark case, SCOTUS has unanimously backed payments to student athletes. While this will forever change the sport as well as college athletics in its entirety and should probably be the focus of the article considering its enormity, I am instead choosing to talk about the advent of an expanded College Football Playoff. Almost immediately after the playoff’s inception fans, players and coaches alike have been calling for expansion. The Committee listened and now talks of how to implement a 12 team playoff have begun. Here’s why any casual fan should be absolutely enamored with the newest content update.

First things first 3 times the teams, 3 times the fun amirite? The story lines that will result each season from an expanded playoff will be marvelous. The cinderella runs of year’s past will now be rewarded with a chance at the title even they get obliterated by a member of the cartel (Alabama, Clemson, Ohio State, Oklahoma). These programs consistently ruin the best stories in college football because they are hard asses and hopped on the student athlete payment train earlier than the rest ( I feel no shame in throwing unsubstantiated claims out there, none). Upsets now have a greater impact. Avenues that were once reserved for the elite are now wide enough to accompany the teams who win at the right time. That should fix the parity issue that the postseason faces each year.

One of the things that has me the most excited is the weekend in mid December where those without a bye (top 4) in on campus duels. Are you kidding me? A whiteout in a December snow? Now its possible. Cincinnati hosting USC to advance to the next round of the College Football title? Not as far fetched as it sounds. My dream of seeing the Pitt Panthers in the playoff? That much closer to being a reality. The matchups that could only be dreamt of mid-season of every year will now happen in various shapes and sizes each year. College football centric economies can look for an extra weekend in December that could very well end up producing the most revenue. Even if upsets are minimal and drama is inconsistent, the first round of on campus matchups will assuredly be a spectacle year in and year out.

To really get this point across, I need to expand on my theory on recruiting. Basically, how I see it, the most recent of disparity can be pointed to the statistical likelihood that one of 5 times will win the National Championship and so recruits who are looking both for titles and for primetime exposure to advance to the next level will sacrifice playing time and initial stardom to play for one of these programs. Having a 12 team playoff alleviates the bottleneck at the top and allows for many different teams to have the same exposure that the top 5 have had. The bottom line is, if you give more opportunities for all of the programs in the fbs to compete for a title then I believe that recruits will feel less inclined to attend one of the top 5. At the same time, the top 5 could continue their tyranny and degrade the game so they can hoard titles. I hope this makes sense to someone.

One thing that needs to be addressed pretty soon into this formation of a new system is schedule limitations. If a non top 4 team makes their conference championship and end up making the national title they would have to have played 16 games. That is not an acceptable for a collegiate athlete. I am hoping to dial back the schedule a bit by maybe 2 games. Cut down on the out of conference games. It would hurt the FCS universities who depend on the paycheck to travel to a Power 5 school but there are always pros and cons. To continue to play a 12 game regular season would make it abundantly clear that the sport as a whole is nothing but a money grab to the conferences and it’s members. As much as players commit to a demanding schedule from the start, there is no need to subject the players to a schedule similar to those who are playing with millions of dollars in their bank accounts.

As long as this is executed the correct way, the move to 12 teams will be a marvelous transition to witness. Fans and players alike will benefit from a new format. The people who are in charge finally listened to the public and enacted change. I’m almost positive that I have reached the inner circle of the playoff committee using my college football burner account, so a thank you from the readers is not expected but appreciated.